2016-12-05

How to clean your house after the Superbowl

Congratulations Denver! Big win in Superbowl 50. Peyton gets to ride off into the sunset. Those of you who hosted Superbowl parties in your home, those of you who went to bed after a boatload of beer and a metric ton of nachos? No, you don’t get to go off into the sunset. You gotta clean your home. You’re not getting any championship ring. All you’re getting is a healthy dose of wing bones under the sofa and nacho cheese in the heater.

So where to start your cleaning?

If you threw anything that remotely resembled a great party, you definitely had a bunch of shoes or boots in the hallway. Mid February in a significant part of the world is symbolized by two words: snow and mud. Who knows what your guests trekked into your home. Let’s be real honest: your guests certainly did not “shake off” their boots before they entered. Oh, no. They simply walked right in, bringing in all the grime from outside, in all it’s fabulous glory. Take a look at your socks while you’re at work this morning…you need to attend to your entranceway before it spreads – if it hasn’t already.

HOW TO CLEAN SALT STAINS

What about those animalistic friends of yours who secretly wiped spicy wing sauce on the side of your fabric couch during every third down? They hid sofa stains that you won’t find for another four Superbowls. Vacuum EVERYWHERE. Remove the cushions and vacuum under the armrests. Use a steam cleaner to remove grease and whatever else remains. If you see a crusty, reddish substance…then “Todd” didn’t have the decency to use one of the three thousand paper napkins sitting right in front of him.

HOW TO CLEAN A SOFA

HOW TO CLEAN A LEATHER SOFA

Remember when Von Miller sacked Cam Newton in the first quarter, stripped the ball, and Denver scored a big early TD? What a great memory. You will certainly remember that play for many years to come. What you won’t remember is how your best bud “Jeff” dropped some pasta salad on your thick weft carpet – and then proceeded to stomp on it in excitement. The mayonnaise is already ingrained in the fabric.

HOW TO CLEAN A CARPET STAIN

Football is a cruel, violent sport. The best sport in the world in fact. While there is a real sophistication when Peyton yells “Omaha” thirty times a game to read the defense, people who watch Football don’t exactly have that same sophistication. You can’t really be mad when your friends make your counters stickier than the illegal use of Stickum that Jerry Rice used throughout his entire career. You’re going to need to disinfect the counters faster than a retired Marshawn Lynch can run the 40.

HOW TO CLEAN A COUNTERTOP

General Beer Spillage. It happened. The less intoxicated friends of yours probably tried to wipe it down with a paper towel. The really intoxicated friends of yours just laughed and walked away. Short of moving into another home, the best thing you could do is to steam clean the entire home.

HOW TO CLEAN A KITCHEN

Bonus: Nacho cheese around the rim of the stove. They couldn’t wait until you put it in a bowl so everyone could partake? Nope. Be on the lookout for caked-on cheese near your stove.

HOW TO CLEAN AN OVEN

Thinking of doing a Superbowl Party next year? What about getting a steam cleaner for the cleanup?

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